You might also find the precious key to unlock your mind!
If you’d been thinking, could there be someone who didn’t like to go for work on the first day of her job, it would be me. I didn’t like because I had doubts about me. I was afraid to face people in my life. I was entangled in the web of weakening thoughts about myself. I was detached from the rest of my colleagues and was withdrawn. Though my doubts were thickly clouded on the surface of my mind, at the bottom there was a huge vacuum. The emptiness was formed out of an inexplicable longing for something profound that will release me from my own shackles. Without that, every task, every effort and every day became hectic for me at work. On the surface, I worked hard and to some extent my doubts vanished with years of experience. I learnt to focus on my abilities as well. Yet the inner seeking remained as is. More than a decade passed away with such self-defeating thoughts.
There used to be incessant inner dialogues and such thoughts occupied most of my mind. The other aspects of life that I saw and experienced were the ones that got filtered through the sieve of seeking and doubts. My doubts were in my main focus, whereas other experiences were mere minor projections on it. Over years, it became inherent in me. It was weighing me down as I wasn’t able to give my best.
When I was about to complete my 12 years of experience, I got an answer. As doubts continued to deepen in my mind, I realized that unconsciously I had given more mind space and time to be used up for strengthening the doubts. Anything else I wanted to do or learn was corrupted by my doubts. I saw everything from the background of my doubts and concerns. I carried them all along. I walked with them. I talked with them. I fought against them. I consoled them. Yet, they dominated me.
During my dull moments to distract me, I started to clean the room. I had a lot of old books and learning materials I preserved for long years, not willing to let go as they were valuable to me. It was no longer helping me in the present. I saw them only fill up the space in my room when it could be used for something new. I took each one of them, expressed my sincere gratitude to have helped me in my growth in the past and bundled them up to let go. I had more clean space in my shelves to re-organize things and to add new stuff that will be there for my present and future. Just to see the cleaned space was more relaxing. I thought OH-MY-GOD! There is so much of free space for new things in me too! I was breathing free. I felt an enriching space within me. That day I felt I was cleansed by ablution.
In one of the days, on my way to work it occurred to me, how occupied I was with my own doubts when all I wanted to do was just free up my mind by expressing my sincere gratitude so that it could be re-organized and filled more with things and people that will be there for my present and future. That’s when instantly the inexplicable factor became explainable and filled my mind vacuum with freshness!
All at once, work place made a lot more sense to me. No longer was it about my doubts and my abilities, it’s about having more space in my mind for new things that will shape me in my present and for my future. I understood I have no reason to be aloof and give life to my doubts. It is by working with people that my doubts would be debilitated and in harnessing each other’s intellectual power, the space within me would be renewed for new things. That day as I entered my office I didn’t see my colleagues but the existence of the minds circling in the air. I let my mind also join in that play. In expressing gratitude and letting go of my doubts, a huge weight was offloaded from me. It brought in a relaxed and a relieved feeling and I felt I was ready for life!
I understood that doubts will be there. But the magical wand was in my hand and in my heart as well. The wand of expressing my gratitude and letting go of them that would help me in progressing and confidently taking the next advancing steps in life. That day I realized that doubts co-exist with learning, understanding, imbibing, aspiring, achieving, setting new boundaries and redefining them. Difference lies in understanding that doubts can co-exist to help me and not hamper me down of my potential and abilities. In being with others, learning from each other that my doubts get translated into new possibilities and aspirations. If it is within it’s limits, progress is possible. If it crosses the boundary and switches on the panic button, then the magical wand of gratitude and letting go of it has to be waved.
A momentary thought slipped by – “How did I miss such a beautiful point all these years and filled myself with endless doubts?” Instantly, I saw myself expressing gratitude for the profound realization and letting go off the question.