The first lesson that I learnt on relationships is, people do love us, but they do not know to love us the way we want to be loved. They can only love us the way they understand love.
One of the first individual change I have to bring in is, to understand beyond the actions of this individual. I have to understand the intention of my spouse, that there is love! It is just that they are not able to act in ways.
For example, one of you sitting here very romantic in nature, by now, you’re expecting your spouse should hold your hand. Till the end, he won’t.
India is one country where, for husbands to tell their wife “I love you” also, light should be switched off. Forget about other things.
This is one country where, just to tell you love you, lights have to be switched off. And, now somebody like that who has lived his life, for thirty-five years like this, in three and a half minutes is not going to work.
In that regard, don’t sit with some magical expectations and complicate things for me.
If you listen, you will understand, that so often, it is not that, just that your spouse may not be romantic in nature. He may not have grown in an environment where; love has been so visible and so demonstrative.
That does not mean he does not love you. That does not mean she does not love you. There’s a lot of love in the intent! The very fact, anything that bothers, you bothers her too.
The very fact that anything hurts you hurts him too, it’s love. But it may not be expressed to you in a way you understand love to be expressed.
One of the first initiatives to take in building a great relationship is, every time I’m not going to estimate, judge, define my spouse based on his actions or her actions, but I will understand the intention behind.
And this took me quite some time. It’s not that I understood in a day’s time. It took me some time. I got married and within one and a half months’ time, Diwali came.
And somehow, one of those days when I was returning back from work, I went to one of those textile showrooms, bought what I want, because that’s what I’ve done all through my life.
My father will give me so much for Diwali, and he’ll say, “Go and buy what you want.”. He used to give some twenty-five rupees or something, and say, “Whatever you want for this twenty-five rupees, buy!”.
So, you will go to all the showrooms, check all the price tags, and finally, there used to be S. Kumar’s, where sixteen rupees you will get a shirt, and just go and buy and come.
So, this is what I’ve done all through my life. So, for my Diwali, I went and bought and came. She was brought up in an environment where her father and mother will always take her for shopping.
And they will say, “We like this.” and she’ll say, “We like this.” and they’ll say, “Then we’ll take both!”. How am I supposed to know all these things?
Nobody showed me a trailer of the past. So, I bought and came. I rang the doorbell, she opened the door, and she saw two plastic covers in my hand.
She said, “What’s this?”, I said, “Diwali purchase.”. The door closed at the same speed. In fact, I’m not even exaggerating. I am underplaying. Through the window, I begged her for some time, “Please understand. I will explain.
But I made another very big move, which I should have not. I asked her how much you want for Diwali. And she was so angry, she said, “Should I come and sign the voucher at your accountant, for that?”.
And trust me, I never understood why she was so angry. I thought maybe my mother should have said something, that’s why she upset. In fact, trust me, I was just one year into business, and my business mentality, somehow made me feel, I will ask her how much she wants.
She might say thousand rupees. I’ll give her two thousand rupees, and she will think I love her two times more than she thinks.
This is how my business mind thought. But she reacted so much, now how am I supposed to understand?
That for her, expression of love is, you go for shopping along with her. I did love her. I thought, instead of going and interfering with the choice of your beloved, let her choose what she wants.
I did love her, but I didn’t know to love her the way she wanted to be loved. She did love me. She thought she should participate, but I thought I should choose my shirt, why she should choose my shirt? But she thought participating in the entire experience alone is expression of love!
Both of us did love each other, but we didn’t know to love each other the way each other understood what’s love!
My mother has always served food saying, “This is very tasty.” and it’s generally brown in color. Sucharita’s mother has always served food to her by saying, “This is good for health.” and it’s normally green in color.
Green and brown got married. And she likes beans like no herbivore will like. In fact, when she has beans, I feel, rice is side dish, and beans is the main course.
And because she loves me, she thinks that I should also have what is good for health.
I love brinjal, and she cannot touch brinjal, because she thinks brinjal looks like fish, and she cannot even touch it. But because I love her, I feel she should not miss out on something as tasty as that.
We got into project beans and brinjal. For one year, I was after her, convincing her why she should try brinjal. For one year, she was working on why I should have more of beans, and one year later, I started liking beans. She started liking brinjal.
We started hating each other. And it just took one year for us. Yeah, you can clap! You can clap. You’re not clapping for me, unless every experience I share somehow touches you in the core of your being!
Unless every experience I share somehow makes you feel, “How he knows everything about my marriage?”. Coming, coming, your point is coming next, wait, wait.