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Am I standing on the pinnacle of my desires, my ‘someday’ and judging my present reality?

For almost all my life, I have lived in my head. In my head, there was a utopia, a futuristic heaven. And that utopia was named ‘someday’.

‘Someday’ I would have my doctorate degree in psychology, have the perfect relationship, become successful, own a beautiful home on the hilltop, be more athletic, and of course, be completely fulfilled with every aspect of my life.

For me, ‘Someday’ was both a place of refuge and a place of torment. Because although in my mind, it gave me something to hope for, it also made my every day feel little less than the ‘utopia’, the ‘someday’ that exists only in my head.

Nothing I did or experienced in the moment was ever enough. I lived life as a means to an end that never seemed to come.

Each day I would wake up and jump from one thing to the next. When brushing my teeth I would think about breakfast, at breakfast I’d think about my commute… so on and so forth, until I reached the brief moments just before I fell asleep, so I could promise myself “Don’t worry, it’s all worth it – you’re getting closer!”

I felt like I had to rush against some invisible clock to pack my life with the fulfilment I thought I needed.

Milestones were passed and yet, I never stopped to appreciate any of it. While outsiders saw an amazing life, I was stuck comparing ‘someday’ to my current life and lamenting on how it didn’t stack up.

On one of those gloomy days, as I was chewing these thoughts, from nowhere I heard the sound of a gunshot. I quickly moved towards my bedroom window to see what is happening… From the second floor where I lived, I could clearly see a Narikuravan (a Gypsy from a nomadic tribe) aiming at the birds on a nearby tree with a crude long gun. The gunshot created a flutter amongst the flock of birds. One bird fell dead on the ground. The Narikuravan let out a hearty laugh, showing all his paan stained teeth as he packed the dead bird inside his bag. Feeling disgusted, I moved away from the window.

After a while, the sound of yet another gunshot brought me back to the window. I was furious. But this time, however, no bird fell. To my surprise, he laughed heartily this time also. Did he laugh for the life that escaped his shot? Did he laugh saluting the ‘Life’ behind the life, that gave him something to his need and not for his greed? Was it the acceptance of the situation that helped him to laugh and move on for the next target? Something within me changed…

Am I standing on the pinnacle of my desires, my ‘someday’ and judging my present reality?

I could war with myself all my life and feel empty… Or I could decide to shift positions a little bit and stand on my present reality, accept it and look at my desires, my ‘someday’, with happy anticipation.

I decided to fully accept and love my present, where I am right now and chose to look up at my desires, my ‘someday’ with a plan of work to achieve it. Strangely enough, I felt a lot more comfortable in my skin. The feeling of emptiness steadily reduced. I could smile at myself and the world around me more often! Progressively I even found beautiful moments in my present state as I moved upwards towards my ‘someday’.

My ‘someday’ did not leave me, yet I was feeling grateful for the present progress. In mathematical terms, I was tending towards my ‘someday’ accepting and rejoicing the present, resetting it with every progress, every milestone.

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